Blog are for free expression not first impressions right? this is probably going to get really ugly. but i promise i wont use no vulgarities ok.

Pretty irritated. As you all may know i've been talking about wanting to move out a lot lately. and well i've been thinking about it a lot. not just lately only lately.. aaron steph and tyng have been mentioning it. and yea it really got me thinking about expenses and stuff. but apart from that. yes i really need to leave this god forsaken place.

I have training tomorrow at 9am NANYANGPOLY. which is at YIO CHU KANG. and that does not include the really hot and long stupid walk into the school. like place get travelators or something at least we wont sweat like bloody dogs. anyways. back to the story.

Tonight was a perfect example of the serious need of the moving out at 18 talk with my parents. yes my siblings all say not to go. casue then mum wont have anyone. she'll have no good kid by her side watching her. you know what i'm sick of all that bullshit. no seriously. i'm tired of clearing up for the shit that you two pull and i have not had the chance to screw up anything besides my grades and soemthing i really wnt which is my vb.

i still remember the day i went for combine training. i cried in the middle of the court and all i could think of was why is this happening to me. well you want to know what happened? mum called and grounded me. for saving some drowning person and injuring myself while she was away in malaysia

the day i came back and we won ngee ann. i got scolded for leaving the water heater on. she didnt want to hear the good news. she didnt give me a chance to tell her how school was. or even the fact that i ad been scolded by the teacher yet again.

The day my teacher called and said i copied. and you took my side only because my sister had to tell you that i dont cheat.

The day that i went to camp for vb and i couldnt tell you that i was somewhere else becasue you'd get mad.

the fact that i spent my days as a kid being stupid enough to do your stacks of mathematic assessments while the kids were playing in the playground.

The day you made me get off the swing when i was playing with the kids in the neighbourhood. i had to go home and learn timetables.

The day you got that maid who became my mom. She taught me everything. chinese spelling. math. science. cleaning. i watched her cook.

The day i got back into vollyball and the days i had to fight for myself in school in the team in life. You werent there.

The time i came home really sad and i still had to listen to your bullshit and cover up for yaling and jj. the time i got slapped for something i didnt do but i covered up. the time i was slapped by dad when i was a kid and you didnt do anything. the very first time i needed you in school and you werent there.

there are so many things that i tell myself that i would never ever forgive you for doing to me. but i did. i did it all for us. i stop you guys from quarrelling. the time i did wrong you told everyone around the world.

you're such a cold hearted person. yet you're so nice to everyone who's not yours.

You dont know everytime you compare me with your students i want to be all i can be for you. i want to be what you want me to be. all the time i do that. i fail and i fail. and i have to pick myself up. i have to pick myself up. pick you up. lisetn to my yaling and jj cause you dont.

be there for them becaseu you arent. hold them when they cry.

lay beside you when you cry.

i'm tired of it. all at the expense of my own happiness and my future. i cant study. at home i just cant. i dont have the strength to. and everytime i come into these four walls all i think of is sleep and getting out of this place. you together with my good for nothing ex boyfriend. both of you have totally drained me. left me stregnthless. but still i hold myself up high. and i get bitches from school who are daddy's lil children who dont give me a break.

i'm sorry if i'm not playing your silly barbie game. i'm too tired to sometimes even acknowledge your existence. i'm just so sick of everything.

i'm tired ofliving this way and i thinkit's time i stand alone. i'll be fine becasue i'm what has holded me up for so long. yes you all have left me here broken frustrated and so so so so angry. but still i live on. hoping there'll be a better tomorrow but all i get is the same world that's full of crap. and the only thing i look forward to now. is daylight

my daylight

mydaylight is my sweet escape. my space to live my life the way i want it.

what ever it is.. i'm up at 2 am becasue i have to clear some shit up among my parents and brother. the stupid bike that keeps leaving him in debt the stupid friends who give him their problems to solve when he has his own. the fact that his loyalty lies to his friends. the sister who complains about everything in front of me to her bf.

and she cried all day about the hard life my mum is giving her. i want to slap her on her forehead and say wake up silly. kiddo. you made your life the way it is.

you see i made myself this way. i could have left long ago. i could have been a blacker sheep than either or em. i couldnt have. but i made a choice not to. becasue i thought i could change it all. that they just needed my guidance. they do. becasue the ones we clal parents probably need more guidance than any of us do.

yes everytime, mum and dad listen to this, everytime theyhave a problem they come to me. not to you to me. how do you think that makes me feel. having to grow up faster so that i cant help you raise them two kids. those two big babys who always text me to cover for them textme when they have issues. the calls i take in lessons.

yes they are there for me when i forget my pills. my shirt. my towel. but then... who'll be there for them when they have matters of the heart. of the mind and of spirit. no seriously. where the hell are you.

both of you have drfited off to a place unknown and i'm tired of taking charge.

you see this is my only shot in life. my shot at being what you want me to be. and if you truely want me to have it for me and for you. becasue i now i'll only be happy if i make you two happy and proud of me. the fact that i've never heard you two say it ever to me. if you truely want me to take this shot. let me free. start being parents. the parents the two kids need, then i can be a kid again and finally.

i'm tired of the smiles i have to fake. the laughs i laugh to make myself feel better. the stupid face i make when i bored so i wont think of you.

The fact that i dont want to be late everytime becasue i'm afraid of the heart ache you guys will feel if you feel i'm like another black sheep you guys have to deal with. ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


let go! take control.

be a parent. i'm tired. and i need help. i cant do this. this is my only shot do you understnad.

the shot i need to take. i need to get where i need to get to make myself feel like everything i've ever worked for is worth something finally.

i'm not asking for encouragement casue i know you guys are bad at that i'm asking you to let me have this chance. stop your noise. give me space to have this shot.

i'm tired of your bullshit. i've realised that i can only do this by myself. i have to do this for myself to be a better person. i admit i'm not a ncie person. because by the time i want to do something worth doing. i'm too tired to do it nicely casue you guys are full of crap.

i've had enough!!!!!!!

empty promises will get you no where. i'm on my one i know. you dont have to remind me.

Just me (eLiz)