Bad day.. good day..

BAD DAY.

I woke up. the first message i saw that i got was from you! mother fucker. and ya. i didnt let it spoil my day.

The i couldnt get my homework online. cause they said it was some computer shit thing they were going to do.

Then i went to school... School was to start at 2. i left the fucking house at 12. i got there 2.08.

FUCK.

Then i decided to eat something. cause the only time i could eat was then. and the nxt meal would be at 11 pm. but. FUCK. the teacher said cannot eat in class.. and i didnt bring my laptop.

ARGH! i totally thought it was some lab lesson.

in the end. dac easy software. why cant they just fucking write dac easy there.

Then i got an sms saying there would be an SIM match today.

All tht as in my head was. yes finally something to brighten my day up. when i jump and spike all my balls.. sweet spot. i felt dam on form.

Then after lesson that ended at 6. I RUSHED down to the indoor stadium cause we were supposed to be there at 6.

I FUCKING RUSHED DOWN. LIKE I FLEW THERE OR SOMETHING. I LITERALLY FLEW THERE.

i played super well.. warm up.. my spikes were woohoo..

Then first set.
coach: valerie, pei yi, mei ping, shirlyn, qiu ling, sharon and huiting play.

In my mind?- it's ok.. i'll play the nxt set.

The 2nd set.
coach: just play!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!!!!! i sat on the bench .. again.




FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK


1. I'M A FUCKING DISGRACE TO MY COACH
2. I'M A FUCKING DISGRACE TO MY SCHOOL
3. I'M A FUCKING DISGRACE TO MY PARENTS.
4. I'M A FUCKING DISGRACE TO MYSELF

i train everyday. all week.

I train hard. i try my best to jump high. spike hard. catch the ball.. dive for every ball..


as much as it was getting better or so i thought from the SMU match.

i played well during SMU match. I was on fire. I was flying and spiking. and diving.




NOW. I'm sitting on the fucking bench.




It's ok. it's alright. i'll fight for my place. becasue this is my team



My dad came to get me.. i didnt even shower. i didnt have the strength to shower.

i just kept crying.

hahahhahahhahaha!!! what for???? cry cry cry. tsk!


be a woman. be strong! cry cry cry.

Fuck myself. i cant even stay strong.

What's really wrong??

Well i nvr wanted to cme here.. and then i realised that i loved my team here. and i decided to stay. decided to fight.. was i too late? i had lost it all.

my spark. my flame. my fuel. Seriously.. st hildas is no more.



What ever i do now. it's a new start. i got to start from square one. i have no time. no time to wait.. i need it now.

coach said my skills are relevant to a height of 17 plus 18 plus and the fact that i am shorter.. is certainly irrelevant if i wanna spike the method i do.

hmmmm welll.. yea.. like i said before.. i dont know why i stopped growing.. i dont know why i have a tall family but i'm a short fart.

i dont know why.. and if my st hildas coach were to ask me to break my legs and put a metal bar in. yea i would. becasue then.. maybe just then.. i may not be a happy girl. but i'll yearn and hunger for vb to make me happy each day.

It's just like having something you love so much taken away from you. not far away.. but far enough to see it dangling 1 cm away from your fingers as you stretch all out for it. all out.

you move.. you feel it at the tip of your finger.. but you cant have it. you just cant.


what am i supposed to do now. i'm not weak enough to quit. i'm not strong enough to stay.

i gotta try to be game enough to fight.

right?

when life doesnt go your way. and you get stripped of your clothes. STRIPPED.

You know.. when i was having a bad time earlier. i was just dreaming and hoping for a miracleto happen.. my miracle.. where someone would just hug me. seriously.. just hug me and let me cry. hug me even though you dont know what's wrong but dont let go. dont say a word. just hug me.

dreams huh. we all can just dream.


if i lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world

Just me (eLiz)